Do you find yourself threatening, repeating your instructions, or raising your voice in an attempt to get your children to obey? Are you frustrated because nothing seems to work? It could be that faulty child-training methods have snared your line of thinking.
We must remember that our goal is not merely to get children to outwardly obey, but to reach their hearts with the gospel of Christ. When we adopt faulty child-training methods that aim for behavior modification only, we miss the issues of the heart and the point of biblical discipline. Here are a few pitfalls that we must guard against:
Bribing- To bribe a child into obeying is to motivate him wrongly. Bribing encourages children in selfishness, as their motive for obeying is personal gain. Bribing sounds like, “If you clean your room you can rent a movie tonight” or “If you don’t misbehave in the grocery store, you can pick out candy at the check out counter.” Children should be taught to obey because it is right and because it pleases God, not to get a reward. The Bible says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Colossians 3:20). We should simply state the standard and follow through with consequences when that standard is violated.
Counting to Three- As we train our children to obey us, we are ultimately training them to obey Jesus. Do we want our children to obey God the first time, the second time, or the third time? When we count to three, we cause our children to get into the habit of delayed obedience. Delayed obedience is disobedience. Counting to three encourages them to put off obeying until absolutely necessary. We want our children to view obedience as their best option, not a choice that is put off until the last minute.
Threatening- This is one of my biggest struggles in parenting. I’m so tempted to say, “If you don’t do this, then these will be the consequences.” Moms, this is how we get ourselves in a pickle. If we tell them there will be a consequence then by golly there better be one. Otherwise, we might cause them to question our word. A woman of integrity says what she means and means what she says. If we cry wolf too many times, we will eventually lose our effectiveness as well as the respect of our children. Our children need to have confidence that our word is our word.
Appealing to their emotions- Parents often try to appeal to the emotions of the child by making them feel guilty. “After all I do for you, this is how you repay me,” moans the parent with a sad face. It’s easy for us to feel sorry for ourselves and think that our children “owe us” obedience. However, we want our children’s motives for obeying to come from a heart to please God not from a parent inflicted guilt trip.
Repeating or going back on instructions- In studying some the most of admirable and successful generals of our country, I have found that they all had one thing in common: they were certain of their commands before they issued them. Soldiers do not respect or respond well to an uncertain and inconsistent leader. Paul said it best in 1 Corinthians 14:8, “For if the trumpet makes an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle?” (NKJ) Likewise, when Mom issues half-hearted commands to her children and doesn’t require her children to follow through immediately, she sends them mixed signals. We should never issue a warning or command without following it through. This rule of thumb requires that we think before we speak. In Matthew we are told, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37). We should try not to say “yes” or “no” to something until we are sure that it is our definite answer.
The first step toward effective parenting is to realize that biblical obedience is complete, immediate, and evinced with joy. You might teach this concept to younger children by explaining that obedience is all the way, right away, and with a joyful heart.
The second step toward effective parenting is to expect nothing less than biblical obedience. Don’t be wishy-washy or you’ll raise wishy-washy children who have a hard time determining when to and when not to submit to authority. Determine the “family rules” and establish a strong family identity in Christ by expecting your children to obey authority.
The third step toward effective parenting is to faithfully administer consequences when children disobey. When disobedience is met with consequences children learn the law of the harvest. They learn that God has built the principle of sowing and reaping into their worlds. While administering consequences is not pleasant, it’s a prerequisite for peace: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).
By avoiding the snares of ineffective parenting and adhering to God’s design for discipline, we move past the frustrations of not knowing how to handle issues of disobedience and into a confident, well-balanced approach to raising our children.