The “weapons” that kill off marriages vary, but if we surrender to God’s wisdom and obey His Word, our marriages don’t have to die. The first 5 ways we might murder your marriage appeared in our May issue. Below are the final 5.
6. Clashes over Responsibilities:
Every couple negotiates unique quirks and challenges, but clashes over roles and responsibilities can undermine the marriage. Ideally, the Christian blueprint of marriage is two equals striving toward a harmonious relationship as they work together under God’s design to honor Him and draw others to the Gospel.
Clashes arise in many ways. Sometimes men work hard, but forget why they are working. Distancing themselves from their homes and wives, they then wonder why the relationship feels cold. Some women undermine their husband’s authority in the home, but then insist their spouse take full responsibility. A wife may also show disrespect for her husband’s insight and advice. Unlike girlfriends who chat things out in detail, men are instinctive fixers. If wives don’t require a solution, they need to explain their need to simply vent so their husbands won’t be upset when “fixes” are ignored.
The 50-50 marriage model doesn’t work. Partners need to be all there and all in! It hurts a marriage when partners are so busy elsewhere, they’re too tired to work on their relationship. Biblically, there are defined roles, but the relationship works best with mutual humility (1 Peter 5:5b), mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) and devoted support (Romans 12:10). “That’s not my job” should never be the heart attitude.
7. Foolish Comparisons:
Whenever we compare our spouse to others, or our marriages to other couples’ relationships, we’re headed for trouble. With a “grass is greener on the other side” perspective, we fail to see weeds in others’ “yards.” We’ll never see the flaws in other people and marriages as clearly as the situation closer to home.
Paul says comparisons are unwise. When we examine and grade marriages, we set ourselves up for dissatisfaction and discontent. There’s nothing wrong with admiring, praising the Lord for and learning from the godly interactions we see in other marriages; but it’s not fair to our spouse to intimidate with comparisons.
Every marriage will look different, because God uses our uniqueness for His glory. Rather than constantly elevating other relationships, we need to focus on cooperating with the Spirit of God in making our own marriages a powerful testimony to His grace.
8. Lack of Intimacy:
Lack of physical and emotional intimacy can destroy a marriage. Although there are many levels of mutual need, basically wives need emotional release and closeness, and husbands find physical release through sexual intimacy. The Bible gives much helpful counsel about sexuality; but feeling connected isn’t only sex. Read Song of Solomon and see the value of devotion, purity, wonder and passion in the development of godly intimacy.
Let’s get practical. Never stop cuddling and kissing. Express your love verbally and in actions. Respect and care for spousal needs. Never make a spouse feel you’re “on the prowl” for a better option. Be careful how your spouse hears you talk about people of the opposite sex.
In the sexual realm, participation should be mutual and beneficial to both, not abusive physically or emotionally, and not causing shame. It helps to learn the partner’s love bents—how they understand and respond to us. Note to wives: Men don’t get hints. Speak clearly. Be honest and open with your husband about your feelings, and simply share what you need. Note to husbands: Women need to know they are loved. Express why you love your wife and why you are grateful for her. Both partners can sweet the pot of intimacy with appreciation and acts of kindness.
9. Unhealthy Choices:
Because we are selfish, failing humans, there are plenty of opportunities for us to wound our spouse through unhealthy choices. We must seek God’s wisdom about choices and give careful attention to habits.
Marriages fall apart over finances. Unhealthy choices can include living outside what we can afford (often with the added burden of credit card debt), different spending habits, and different or non-existent financial goals. Seek godly wisdom concerning money matters.
Any habit that is sinful or simply out of control can damage a marriage. Certainly entertainment choices—especially impure viewing habits and pornographic images or literature—can affect the relationship. But so can other unhealthy choices like uncontrolled spending, hobbies and activities that become idols, and even habitual overeating (gluttony). Dealing with our unruly habits is a powerful way to tell a spouse, “I care.”
10. Forgetting the Adventure:
Sometimes we forget the early adventure of discovery in marriage—the “wow” factor when we want to know more and more about our partner and experience life together in new ways. We loved how a partner’s life complemented our own and made life seem better. But with the eventual daily-ness of life came a danger—sameness. The answer is never a new partner, but rather a new perspective and fresh wonder of the partner God gave us.
Here’s the problem: Predictability can be a good thing. We want to know what to expect from our partner. But we must be careful. Predictability—the ho-hum, everything’s the same routine—can also invite familiarity and boredom, a repeated reason cited for couples’ infidelity. Beware of leanness in the spirit of marriage. Make room for light-hearted, God-honoring moments—“planned” spontaneity! Set the stage for romance in fresh ways.
Steward your calendar and block out time just for your spouse. Keep alive the little things that spark your relationship: date nights, attending a conference together, relaxing and recuperating together on vacations. Create time together to laugh, learn and love in God’s presence. Allow new adventures to unfold!