As a child, I loved the game “Clue” (for a history of this game, see here). It was fun trying to figure out where the “murder” was committed, the weapon used, and ultimately, discover the suspect who committed the crime.
If we go on a search for the reasons behind many “murdered” marriages, we’ll find many clues. According to Ephesians 5:31-32, Christian marriage is meant to be a picture of the love story of the Heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus, and His Bride, the Church. But Satan loves to distort and destroy that picture.
The “weapons” that kill off marriages vary, but if we surrender to God’s wisdom and obey His Word, our marriages don’t have to die. Let’s look at some of the ways we might murder our marriages.
1. Commitment Issues:
In commitment, we devote ourselves to someone with loyalty or faithfulness. Commitment implies purposeful focus and responsibility as well as allegiance. The Christian is first and foremost committed to the Lord. This is absolutely crucial for a Christian marriage to thrive! Independence from the Lord hinders healthy growth, but in first-love commitment we find Him to be our strength, wisdom—all we need.
Similarly, when we say our wedding vows, we commit to our spouse and refuse all other loves. We don’t “keep our options open” for someone “better.” Infidelity is just as much an emotional affair as a physical one. Infidelity often begins with bitterness and anger, so deal with those “murder suspects” quickly!
If we’re wise, we won’t put anything before our spouse—even good things like church activities and other family members. As Christ-followers, the Lord becomes the glue for our relationship, and He helps us root out attitudes that undermine marriage. We steward our marriages according to scriptural principles, courageously determine to honor our vows, and set aside time to grow in unity and intimacy.
2. A Selfish Mindset:
Self-centeredness may be innate, but it spawns self-gratification and self-love. A selfish mindset acts like marriage is “all about me” instead of partners working together to bring glory to God and accomplish His purposes. Selfishness focuses on what we want and doesn’t give thought or take time to connect with our spouse.
If it is born in pride, and without the grace and direction of the Holy Spirit to uproot selfishness and make us humble, this “murderous mindset” will become a destructive force in our home. Pride will also keep us from seeking wise, godly counsel when our marriage struggles.
A selfish mindset is the opposite of a loving, others-centered mindset. We are to love others as we naturally love ourselves—and this includes our spouse. Unselfish love is a choice.
3. Poor Communication Skills:
Healthy communication is foundational for a strong marriage. Communication weapons we use to murder our marriages are varied and highly destructive. Poor communication can include something as simple as not listening. We don’t allow the partner to speak—or as some have described it, give “space and grace” for two-way communication. Listening is difficult when we feel we always have to have the last word. Chatterboxes must learn to be “quick to listen, slow to speak.”
We have to work to eliminate “corrupt” verbal daggers. We shoot daggers when we’re sarcastic, take cheap shots that tear down, devalue or discount our partners, use eye rolls and body language to emphasize our displeasure, belittle, demoralize, speak negatively of our spouse in public, criticize, nag, or crush the spirit with unwise criticisms.
Conversely, God’s clues for good communication include communication with grace, love and truth.
4. Disheartening Attitudes:
Some attitudes are especially disheartening in marriage. Continual negativity, pessimism, and constant bickering color the atmosphere of our homes and poison relationships. Though it’s important to discuss issues, we don’t have to express every resentful thought that passes through our minds.
When we refuse to see a spouse’s point of view, become defensive, and don’t own up to our issues, this creates a hostile environment. Not letting go of the past—bringing up past wrongs and reminding a spouse of failures—is unhealthy; and playing the blame game and justifying our own mistakes is unwise. Confession can heal, and wise partners learn how to forgive and move forward with grace.
Every marriage thrives in an encouraging, uplifting and kind environment. Aim to share 10 encouraging statements to every one statement of constructive criticism, and allow God’s goodness to lead a spouse to repentance and change. Focus on building up your spouse, not tearing down.
5. Expecting Perfection:
Every couple enters into marriage with high hopes and lofty expectations, but sometimes we have an unrealistic image of what our spouse should be or how they should behave. We need to live in reality.
Unrealistic expectations put a strain on the marriage relationship and set the spouse up for constant “failure.” It’s not fair to be overly sensitive and make a spouse walk on eggshells. Rather, offer mercy, grace and understanding. Instead of focusing on and correcting every flaw, we should consider the “plank” of offense in our own eye. None of us are perfected yet. We all have issues and will make many mistakes. That’s why we all need a Savior! And that’s why we need to give grace and be kind.
Don’t expect your mate to meet all your needs. Only Jesus can do that, and you didn’t marry Jesus!
The final 5 ways to murder your marriage will appear in The Good News Journal May issue.